Search for Self again….
It seems I’ve lost myself. In all the changes that’s happened. The upheaval. Move to NZ, change in environment, job, drama with ex-flatmate, settling in… Too caught up in the new business. Everything’s new. Was caught up in the thrill of it all, adrenalin pumping. And now… adrenalin’s faded a bit. Feeling more tired than normal. Might because I’m slightly burnt out, or it could be the pollen in the air.
I look back and see the things I used to do. Went out on my own, met friends now and then, did my own thing. There was free, easy-peasy kinda feel. Now it seems like I’m tied to my house. To work. My mind’s constantly churning. Thinking about work, thinking of developing my blogs/websites, thinking of how the heck am I gonna come up with money to get a return flight here in Feb.
Wanting to be the money-grabbing ‘ho that I know I am deep down, but restraining myself cos I’m worried of what I’d be perceived as. Like a money-grabbing ‘ho. Okay… maybe not to that extent.
Sure I may like new toys (gadgets and gizmos), but I’d prefer working for it. Gotta feel like I deserve it. Sure it would be lovely to be given stuff, but then I’d start worrying about the motives behind it. What would they want from me? This applies during Christmas as well…. tis the season to exchange gifts and one-up friends by getting more expensive toys. ‘Oh you got her a Gucci purse? Well I got her Paris Hilton’s dog.’
So now what? Meditation? Therapy? … not that I can afford that. Art therapy? Blog therapy? … cheaper versions… but do I really get to solve my issues. Since it’s one-sided. I need to have someone call out to me about them. On my issues. I have a number of them. Anyone who says they don’t… well that’s the evidence of at least 1 issue…. denial!
Working on myself…. delving deeper. Will it help? Does it help? Will that make me a better person? A better human being? A better homo sapien? Does it work? In this instant solution culture, I’m more inclined to quickly find a solution, fix it and move on. But it seems… it doesn’t work that way.
It takes time. Gotta have patience and perseverance. Both traits are something I’m sorely lacking of.
I suppose that’s why different situations happen. To test us. To teach us. Well doesn’t seem that I’m that fast a learner when it comes to patience… But we’ll see how it goes. It’ll work out in the end.
Don’t know how. Don’t know when. But somehow. If I die and it’s not, well I’m dead. It’s worked itself out.
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